it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Vodka?
Forever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
