he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
