I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
