Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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