I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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