Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
