I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Never underestimate the power of titties
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize