i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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