i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
