I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
