So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
