good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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