Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
