you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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