If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
my poor anus
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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