There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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