my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
