I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
