Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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