I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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