hotel room ftw
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
