my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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