he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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