I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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