I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
