Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize