i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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