ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
