Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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