you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
