saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
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My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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