i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
