The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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