Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
