I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
this boner is exhausting
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
