MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
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Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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