True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
