if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
as a side note pls kill me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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