i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
