Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
