And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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