I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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