i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
