im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
