running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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