watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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