If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
love makes seman taste better
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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