So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
