his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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