you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
