You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I am morally bankrupt
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
