She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
