The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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