I wannas sexs uuuuu
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
