i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
