He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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