Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
