That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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