I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
